I Wish
by sophiesinlove
Summary: Xena's final moments. :: FIN SPOILERS :: "The snow melts. Flowers fade. And I pass, as all things do. But time- and love- they go on." Haunting words, from one so young. ;; very sad. heavy subtext, fully FIN content.


"The snow melts. Flowers fade. And I pass, as all things do. But time- and love- they go on."

_Haunting words, from one so young._

I kneel in front of the stone idol, tears forming in my eyes.

"Akemi- I know what I must do. But I'm afraid that this day, what's done may not be undone."

I turn as familiar footsteps enter the room. In spite of the situation, I smile. She always makes me smile.

"Xena, the militia is prepared. Why aren't you ready?"

"Gabrielle, come here." I sniff, bite back tears.

_I cannot tell her. I wish I could, but she would not allow it. She would not allow me to do what must be done…_

"Come here. Give me your hands." I place her hands against my neck, the familiar feeling of skin against skin overwhelms me and I almost break down and cry in her arms as I have so many times.

_But I cannot. Not this time._

"All right. Here- feel the surge of blood under the skin. Now, just behind-" Her eyes widen as she realized what I am doing, what I am saying. She pulls her hands away, something she rarely does.

"Xena… you don't have to so this. I understand why you would never want to teach me the pinch."

_ Her gray-green eyes are so full of understanding. My Gabrielle, who always understands. But not this time, my love. You cannot understand… not yet…_

"No. No, today more than ever."

_Surely she hears the tremor in my voice, sees the sorrow in my eyes. How can she not? Part of me wishes she would, that she would stop me and think of another way, a way for us to be together forever, just like we promised…_

"I want you to know what I know."

"Why are you doing this?" There is confusion in her eyes, and it hurts so much to see that. To see that and to know that I could stop it. What hurts the most is the utter trust written all over her face, in ever gesture, held deeply in her eyes.

_How can I betray one who trusts me so?_

With a steady hand, I bring her fingers to the right spot. A sharp jab inward and the job is done. I can't breath. Blood is trailing down my face. Tears form in her eyes. And in that one moment, I say it all.

"Gabrielle… if I only had thirty seconds to live… this is how I'd want to live them…"

_So much said in so few words. An eternity of love and longing, expressed in an instant. I can only hope she understands…_

"…looking into your eyes." I jab again and air floods my head, cold and fresh, I can breathe again. I almost wish that I could not, that I didn't have to make this choice.

_My Gabrielle, who always understands._

"Why would you teach me this now? I don't understand!"

"There's nothing to understand."

_Oh, Gabrielle, my sweet Gabrielle, I know you would understand. The trust shines so brightly in your eyes… so utter and pure… when I say these things, you believe me. I wish you would question me, for once, challenge me and make me tell you what is going on. Force the truth out of me, find a better way. Together we could do it. Oh, how I wish…_

"I just wanted you to know what I know."

_I want you to know, Gabrielle, for you are a part of me… and I am a part of you. And you will help me to exist when I am gone, which will be much too soon. Can't you see my heart is breaking? I wish you could take the choice out of my hands, oh Gabrielle, I wish you would. But the trust is still there… and you believe me…_

"Let's go. We've got a battle to win."

You've_ got a battle to win. _I've _got a battle to _lose_._

I follow you out the door, and I want nothing more than to grab you and hold you tight, to never let you go. But you walk down the steps, and we go our separate ways, and I don't know if we will ever meet again, and all I can think is, "_I'm sorry, Gabrielle. Gods know, I am sorry."_

Thunder boils in my veins. I hear drums beat- hoofbeats thud on the ground, my own heart reverberating in a deadly rhythm.

I stand in the dusky golden sunlight, no longer unfocused. It seems every possible muscle, every inch of brainpower I possess is focused on what is to come. On the fight. And still it seems, there is room left for random images and disjointed words to continue their endless slideshow through my head. What I see, what I hear, they are not enough for another to discern. Only I know what they mean, understand the story behind each and ever one of them.

The drums continue their tattoo, and I hear the men file into place…and I cannot help but think, "Come and get me, boys." But the retort dies on my lips. There is no place for sarcasm, not here, not now.

Gabrielle knew it all…. She knew… but for some reason, she refused to accept it. Her unconscious mind blocked it. And now it hits her all at once and she is running, running at full speed towards where _she_ should be.

"_Gabrielle, what would you do?" _

"_Listen not just to the sounds… but to what's behind the sounds…"_

"_Always remember, I love you."_

"XENA!"

It hits her like a bucket of water on a chilly morning. It hits her hard and she is running, running faster than she has before…

A horse whinnies in the distance, and I know it is time. I hear the wheels rolling, see the flames, smell the smoke from afar. I am at peace… I hear all, I see all, and I know all.

_Utter peace… redemption. _

I whip out my chakram and fling it towards the men- I hear the barrels roll off the carts, break and shatter.

_Who knew that what I was searching for all along could only be found in two ways?_

A torch falls, and the explosion begins.

_Gabrielle…_

The chakram smacks back into my hand, and I hook it onto my waist.

_And death._

The force of the explosion forces her onto the ground, the shockwave blowing back her mane of golden hair. She knows something has happened, something is so very wrong, and she may very well be too late. Picking herself up off the ground, she begins to run again.

I dash nimbly up the tree, the smoke barely obscuring my vision. I fire the first arrow and somewhere in my mind's eye, I see Gabrielle, my Gabrielle, running as if the very Gods themselves were on her heels.

I notch the bow. The images start again, pouring through my head like a tidal wave. I fire.

_ "You're not alone." A figure in a doorway, a shy smile, a gentle warmth… _

Another arrow.

_"Xena… I want so much to be like you…" Gabrielle sick and dying, lying in my arms…_

Another arrow.

_"You are _beautiful!" _Gabrielle drugged and on her knees, saying the words I'd so longed to hear…_

Another arrow, another man down.

_"Will you marry me?" A man on his knees, stealing her away from me, my Gabrielle…_

Another arrow. Another, and another, and another.

_"Remember your destiny. Remember it and fight, fight to come back. This world needs you. I need you…" The words that kept me going when I thought I could go on no longer…_

Countless times, I string my bow, and let it go. String it… let it go…

The words give way to a flood of images.

_Gabrielle on Argo, riding through trees and deserts and water with me._

_ Gabrielle, blushing, the sunlight on her face as the dagger falls out of her shirt._

_ Gabrielle, smiling, focused on her scrolls, cooking us dinner…_

_ Little pieces of life I will never forget._

_ And they are Gabrielle… always Gabrielle…_

I lose count of the arrows after that. I close my eyes in this smoky forest, and I listen with all my heart and soul.

I hear the men notch their arrows, and I know it is time to move.

The first volley of arrows darkens the sky, they seem to never end. Not one comes close to me. I am not daunted. Two strike near my left side, and my hands whip out and grab them, on instinct. I move behind the nearest tree. Not out of fear, but out of self-preservation. What's left of it, anyway.

I snatch several more out of they sky. Time is starting to lose it's meaning, minutes and seconds flowing together like water. And still, the torrent of memories comes…

_Gabrielle, as a Bacchae, biting deep, releasing something primal._

_ Tears flowing freely as I scream, beat on the chest of a dying girl, attempt to breathe new life into a body that has run out._

_ Handing Gabrielle a little carved wooden lamb, finding my reason to live in the joy on her face._

_ Whispering a pledge to a pale and sweaty girl who lies on my lap, a pledge I intend to keep to this day..._

_ "Even in death, Gabrielle, I will never leave you."_

The first arrow pierces my armor. Straight into my shoulder. It hurts, yes, but the pain provides a clarity such as I have never known. I grit my teeth and go on, seeking solace in the essence of the memories that continue to wash over me.

_Gabrielle, lying on the ground, holding something so small, so innocent, and so evil in her arms…_

_ Gabrielle's pleading face as she explains why she came to Chin… it is harder than anything I have ever done not to take her in my arms and tell her that everything is all right, that I forgive her. I must be strong._

_ Gabrielle sobbing on the cold temple floor, the first blood she has spilled all over her hands… _

I snap the arrow shaft and flinch as another thuds into the tree next to me. I have to be a little more careful if I plan to make it as far as I'd like.

I fall to the ground as another slices into my leg- the blow hurts my shoulder, but it is the only way to avoid more arrows.

I am losing feeling in my left leg… I don't mind. I can work with the numbness. Gods know I've done it before.

I snap the arrow out, thinking of my one and only, my true love, my soul mate. She gives me the strength to go on.

I limp to the blown out cart, hide behind it. No, not hide- pause.

_Gabrielle on a summer day, in a meadow with a crown of flowers on her hair. Smiling, laughing in the sunlight._

I catch two more.

_Wandering through the Amazon land of the dead, sobbing hopelessly into the dark sky…_

_ Gabrielle crying in my arms, helmet askew, as she realizes the truth of 'a good day of fighting.'_

An arrow thwacks into my other shoulder. I allow myself to groan for the first time.

_My immediate hatred of Najara, from the way Gabrielle talked about her and thought about her, from the look of love and trust and hero worship in her eyes that was supposed to be meant for me, only me._

I break the arrow shaft off, but I do not bother to pull it out.

_My utter horror and sorrow and despair as I realize that she would be so much happier, so much safer, with her…_

I stand tall, I take a deep shuddering breath, and I pull out my sword.

_Gabrielle, holding our daughter, holding Eve, as I rock them both to sleep…_

More arrows fly by me. Two thunk into the wooden cart.

_Gabrielle, crying by a burning pyre, grieving the death of Ephiny, of Joxer, of Melosa, of Hope, of Perdicas, of Solari, of Eponin, of Terreis, of Yakut, of Amarice, of Cyane…_

_ So many dead…._

I surge forward, an arrow catches me in the stomach. I yank it out, swipe at the first man to wander near. He falls.

Another stab, a pivot, a strike. Countless men fall and die. Blood is everywhere. But I'm not done yet…

_Gabrielle's grin as Ares asks who the father is. My own smirk, "Gabrielle." _

_ Gabrielle's tortured face as she asks, "When was the last time we saw Hercules…?" Trying to disguise her pain with humor. I see that she is breaking inside…_

Forward into the fray. My arms move as if of their own accord, lethal killing machines, chopping down man after man. I feel blades nick my skin, but it doesn't hurt… and the blood dripping down my body is just a sign that I am still alive…

_Nigel, asking things he shouldn't, prodding where he isn't wanted. I am so afraid that Gabrielle doesn't want anyone to know, who we are, what we have. But she is the best thing in my life, and I want to show her off to the world, I want to brag and say, "Look! I have the most amazing girl in the world! She's mine! She's all mine!" But would she want me to? What if she's ashamed of me?_

I trip over a body, there is blood all down my face now. I kill several more, and I want to scream, because now I can feel the pain. But I cannot scream, cannot cry out… To do that would be a sign of weakness…

_My utter joy and relief and bliss as she says, "I think you should answer the question." Beaming, I begin, "It's like this…" Under the table, her hand clasps mine, tightly. _

I cannot hold the pain in any longer, I open my mouth to scream, but all that comes out is a sorrow-laden, "_GABRIELLE!" _Somehow, the screech heals me more than any crying could have.

_Gabrielle, looking guiltily away as Joxer asks, "Is that a hickey?" He's so clueless, as usual. She doesn't want him to know. She's ashamed of me… But when he turns away, she sneaks a grin at me, and it feels like my world is exploding in a shower of bright, happy lights._

A montage swirls before my eyes- I know longer see my enemies. I sense them.

"_We're going to be together forever…"_

_ "You brought out the best in me…"_

**"GABRIELLE!"**

It makes the pain so much easier, screaming her name like that. As if just saying it can make all the pain go away… and it almost does…

_ Gabrielle, going absolutely insane in her fury, in her desperate need to protect me as I lay on the ground, my chakram broken beside me. And I cannot help but feel proud, so proud, that this little blonde warrior is mine…_

So many dead. So many more dying, by my hand. I am dying, too. Took them long enough.

"Gabrielle…."

_On the cross, strung up by my hands, the burning, searing, aching pain subsiding as I look into her eyes…_

Another sharp jab. Another man falls. I swing in an arc, kill a few. They hit the ground heavily. So much blood.

_"Gabrielle, you were the best thing in my life." I can only hope she understands, hears me when I say so little._

Another volley of men come. They too, trip over the dead and the dying. My hair is slick with blood. I can't open my eye. I see the one; I know it will be him. I don't know how, I just… know… So, I take my sword and shove it elsewhere, steal the life out of another, and another, and another.

My vision is blurred. The end is coming, he raises his sword. I welcome it. He swipes across my throat…. and everything goes red.

"_I love you, Xena…"_


End file.
